Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tweaking
Warning: this has serious and personal content and may scare some.
I had my first therapy session with Richard today. I don't know how neurotic I was but we went to therapy to help us and then we get there and had the therapist tell us there is no way to help us at this point. Rejected, rejected and then rejected some more. I felt hopeless that someone that we are paying money for isn't able to help us out. I don't even know why we went into therapy in the first place. But, we get there and the therapist basically told us he couldn't help us. So the next scene was basically me having a total meltdown. The biggest one in a long time. So Richard finally drives me to my house, my mom and dad were called out. I'm totally going insane and I realize that I hated my life. My mom manages to talk to Richard and calm him down. Richard then takes my dad to where my car was parked. I couldn't stop crying and I had a long talk with my mom and my dad and I don't know what I got from that but I just can't deal with anything right now. I don't know why but then my mom fed me two sleeping pills and behind her back I took 2 codeines and had a crapload of rum. I don't know if it was the combination of the prescription medicine and the amount of alcohol in my system but I was laying on the floor and only heard the slow breathing of my own and I don't know if I closed my eyes or not but I see the old riCH and AnniE, they were staring down at me asking what had happened to me. I looked up at them and saw the happy riCH and AnniE and I cried because they looked at me and pitied me. They were in that oblivious love-state that Richard and I used to be in. What is the Richard and Annie now? There's nothing and then I realized that I do want to get better and to try and do this therapy with Richard and get something out of it. I texted Richard and told him that we both owe it to riCH and AnniE. We both owe it to the sweet little couple that we were, the innocent richard and annie that met when I was 10 and went to the same church and both got baptized together, the couple that believed so much in love that we wanted to spend every waking minute together. We owe it to the people that believed in love because of us. We owe it to everyone. We owe it to ourselves.
a n n i e

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